12/31/14

14 things I learned in 2014!

Hazzzah! We're almost there guys. Can you believe 2014 is coming to an end already? I accomplished just about zero of my resolutions from this past year, and frankly I don't remember if I even made any...? But seriously, 2014 went by incredibly fast and I'm very much looking forward to a "brand new start"... because we all know you cannot start ANY type of resolution during the middle of a year!! That would be like starting a diet on a Wednesday, which is impossible.

So, it's 2:12 AM and I should be sleeping, but Robert insisted I send him edited versions of our Holiday card ASAP which included some serious teeth whitening, (red wine during the holidays is no bueno). I also may have given everyone a little eye lift.. cause really, who needs surgery? Now that that is complete, I thought I'd take a little time to catch you guys up on my oh-so-exciting year of 2014 (hint of sarcasm).

Here we go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
14 things I learned in 2014 (sorry for such a basic bitch title).

1. Don't be "Too Cool"
What a concept, huh? After 23 years of being alive, I finally am at peace with the person I am, and the weirdness I bring to this earth. (well, okay I'm like 89% at peace). But honestly, no one is watching you as much as you think, and chances are, you're cooler when you don't try. Except for when you're playing, "I'm a celebrity stop looking at me" and you duck from Hollywood tour busses so people acknowledge that you are a secret famous person....then you can be too cool.

2. My social security number
Pretty liberating to know it, and not have to ask my mom anymore...

3. Save your $$$
Call me Jewish, but we'll see who has the last laugh on a rainy day! Except it doesn't rain much at all in LA....like never....

4. Eat that grilled cheese from Astro Burger... just not five
Fairly self explanatory. IDK WHAAT was up with me and grilled cheeses this year.. partial love affair.

5. The people on the Food Network are assholes
"You could've cut the broccoli a bit smaller...so you lose this challenge". Fuck off.

6. I will ALWAYS prefer to stay in, with a close group of friends, then out in a club 
Because guys, let's be real... you're all on Snapchat/Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/Tinder anyway.

7. I still do not know how to cook chicken..
Soooo das a problem.

8. YouTube has taught me and will continue to teach me everything I know
I don't know why I wasted time in college. Want to learn how to save a life? Or how to get a six pack in 3 minutes? YA ME TOO BYE

9. When not forced out, I stay in a lot
Holly homebody over here enjoys a good Netflix binge and 2 for 1 gummy worms from 7-11.

10. When in doubt, text mom

11. Laying like a starfish, naked in bed, with self tanner on may seem like a good idea at the time...
But orange sheets are not a good look.

12. Stop bitching and start doing
Ya hear me? No one wants to hear about you missing the gym and ordering pizza...because chances are I did the same thing, so #nojudgement

13. Write things down
Goals, lists, daily reminders... like showering.

14. Don't put up with shitty people
Stop giving yourself stress wrinkles over people that don't matter...because let's be real, this is the prettiest you will ever be. YOLO

Now it's 3:06 AM and i'm getting a tad exhausted. Some article just popped up on my feed letting me know the FIFTY things men wan't women to stop doing immediately. Wow, enlighten me. I don't even think women would be able to put into words the 200+ things men should stop doing immediately... but if we could, it would start with, "Stop sending us shirtless photos of you working out, five minutes after we met, thanks".

Shoutout to Kate for that one.

Happy almost new year my lovely friends & family!! I hope you have a nice night in with tons of food and tv so you can pass the fuck out waaay before midnight... or a fun night out where you can act like you're having the best night evvvvvs and secretly scan the bar for potential midnight makeout suitors dropping hints around the whole place like farts. Cheers girl.

2014, it's been real!!





12/12/14

Tis the season to be wealthy.. fa la la la la, la la Whole Foods

Am I right?

Every Winter I get so excited by the upcoming festivities and the weather, that I completely forget I have caviar taste with cup of noodles budget. Actually, I've never had caviar, nor do I have any interest in it, so I have more of a "Whole Foods" taste, on a "Walmart" budget. Ugh, isn't that depressing.

To make matters worse, it always seems impossible to holiday shop for the people in my life! Don't even get me started on Susan and Robert (aka mom and dad). They may seem like your run of the mill, nagging yet adorable parents, but underneath the Old Navy fleece and the Banana Republic golf shirt, they are actually really.. just like... nice people (!!) who ask for nothing and would prefer you to make a donation to the charity of their choice!!!! LIKE, OMG could you BE any nicer?! Why couldn't you just ask for a damn tie or coffee maker like the rest of the world. No, I'm totally kidding, they're actually pretty incredible humans, but we all have those people in our lives don't we? The ones that ask for nothing, yet you still need to get them something otherwise you look like a shit person that forgot they gave birth to you.... you know?

I mean, one year I got my mom a really nice candle. She told me that she's never lit it, but she likes smelling it. WHO ARE YOU?

Similarly, my parents always seem to be completely stumped on what to get me for Christmas. They're like the SIMS people who haven't taken out their trash in weeks and have burned down the microwave and are just waving up at you like, "Beedy bobble boop what the fuck!?" Like guys, i'm not THAT confusing. I'm just a girl in her early twenty's living in Los Angeles who would totally be cool with ANYTHING... like a Mercedes....you know?!

My dad does, what I like to call the, "It's from Nordstrom, you can return it" routine. He shows up to Nordstrom on December 23rd, never a day sooner, and finds the "hippest" and "trendiest" girl to pick me out an entire outfit. I unwrap each item one by one only to find an outfit I may or may not have worn in the 9th grade. Like, you're so cute dad, but what are you doing? My mom on the other hand, buys me face wash, socks, thongs with puppies on them, and scotch tape. Gotta love them.

In fucking conclusion, I haven't purchased a damn thing for M&D and let's be real, my dad's #1 Holiday wish is for me to write this blog twice a week... does that work for you dad? My mom would also like for me to get married. This could actually be a mutually beneficial set of Christmas gifts....

Alright it's 2:19 and I'm about to have coffee with one of my girlfriends. And If you guys were wondering, Cory Matthews drinks vodka soda.