2/26/14

My Wednesday in a nutshell.

So my day was fairly simple. I woke up, ate my routine oatmeal with coffee, went to therapy... and when I say therapy, I mean spin followed by Target, and saw a movie with one of my fave gf's. It was that one with the hot guy from Magic Mike and a thin blonde chick, (per usual). The breakdown:
Girl likes boy, girl sleeps with boy, girl is in love with boy after one day, (what are they trying to say about us), boy loves girl back (although in real life we all know boy does not love girl back and boy runs from stage 5 clinger), other people try and stand in the way of said love, (dad and ex girlfriend with lip injections). Really, this is nothing surprising. Aside from that, my day was so lackluster that I formed a to-do list just to feel productive.

Note to self, never buy fat free cheese again.

In other news, mom's trying to get me on Match.com now. Starting to feel like this is no longer a joke. OMG speaking of love, did anyone watch the BACH last night?! All I have to say is, way to go Andi! Juan Pabs is way too self absorbed, I totes agree. Love how she called him out and was all, "WTF, JP, you don't know about my religion, political views, favorite color, why my ombre looks like shit!?" And JP's all like, "eeeeh, no I don't Andi...but I like Andi.....I have a daughter, ess ok". MEN! They are so ruh-tarded. But at least Juan Pabs knows something, "you can't force love", but you can force them to go to the fantasy suite and have sex with you. Is he disinfected after overnight dates? 

2/22/14

Mom n' Dad!

We all have them, love/hate them, and are going to be them.. (unless you're Kylie Garvin and shudder at the thought of children and plan on adopting an 18 year old African boy to send him off to college immediately). I'm obvi talking about parentals. I was fortunate enough to grow up with two of the weirdest, coolest, cat loving parents, who are truly my biggest supporters. I was born with a rare condition called, "only-child syndrome", which has affected me most of my life. Every day is a constant struggle to fight off the stereotype of an only child. Most people think we're spoiled, or gorgeous, or bratty, or gorgeous... and you know, I can only fight off so much.

I always know that parents will be there on the other end of the phone if I need them... actually I don't know that because my dad has permanently turned off his cell phone because he thinks it's giving him brain tumors (he will literally put up his hand to block the cell phone rays coming out of my iPhone when in close proximity). If you know my dad, you understand how normal this is. My mom at least is always there to offer encouraging words of advice, usually intermixed between, "You like any guys yet?" & "There is always J-date"(Jewish dating site.. suggested by my Catholic mother). I love/hate going home to visit them.. but you know you're at the Horwitz's when you've only been home for 30 minutes and already smell like tuna. (The staple in M n' D's household). My dad is the best though... when I told him my idea about starting my blog, he thought of a fab idea:



That's just what I need, Rob wearing "Drink wine, sleep naked" across his chest, on the way to Peet's coffee at 8 am. "To Catch a Predator" called, they wan't to know if you want some lemonade. But really though, he's adorable.

Anyhoo, it's Saturday morning baby and I'm alive! Get off your couch and go to the beach... or take a selfie, whatever makes you feel good. Happy Weekend!

2/18/14

Hot Thought. The Bachelor

Ok, so not like I'm watching the Bachelor or anything, but does Juan Pablo have the capacity to respond with anything other than, "I like thahh"?? Also, Sharleen, you are really uncomfortable to watch on television. Oh, and LOL that Chelsea, or is it Chelsie? Chalupa? Idk...said that she see's Sharleen with more of an intellectual type. What are you trying to say about JP, Chimichanga?! Cause we were over here wondering when he'd apply to be a rocket scientist. At least we know that Sharleen wishes, "she could be a little dumber so [she] could just be like durrrrr". I'm sure your parents are very proud. Make it stoppppp! But also, don't make it stop. Is Chris Harrison still single?


2/17/14

Vegas, Booze, McDonalds...Moral Hangover Monday

It's 12:25 in the afteroon. I just woke up and I'm sitting with a face mask on because my skin is breaking out like I am a ninth grader. I also may or may not be eating oatmeal and Dominos for lunch simultaneously. That is essentially the aftermath of Vegas I suppose. After eating utter crap-ola the past three days and shaking hands with sketch ball, European hair-cut, 5' 5", bottle service men, I am breaking out, bloated, and yes, feel free to bring over a tiny violin. As negative as I sound, Vegas was a total success. In the words of Rihanna, we found love in a hopeless place, and by that I mean with each other...in the food court...at McDonalds, (no we don't want the apple pie but thanks for offering). Sooo back to real life, must hop back into a workout routine --- feeling large and in charge. Forgot to mention the zipper on my new romper broke after 9+ failed attempts at zipping it up...and just when I think I've tasted success with a full zip, a last minute hair flip really pissed it off and said FUCK YOU Madeleine! RIP, literally. Whatevs, as my roommate has taught me, Ben & Jerry's will always be there for me....it's quite a dirty cycle. Oh, and the cherry on top of my (pun-intended) cake, was being recognized and reminded that I re-wore the same teal yoga pants on my flight home from Vegas (that I did on the flight to Vegas) by the elder man standing behind us in line to board, (which I kindly informed him that I was wearing a different top and bra so not all hope was lost for myself). He continued to ask why none of us had a valentine. IDK sir, probably because I drooled half of my spray tan off onto the MGM comforter....but I digress. Time to start my day, (at the crack of 1 pm). Do something nice for a friend today! At the very least, tell them they're pretty... Ciao!


+ To quite literally, "get the party started", we found a panda head and took like...a lot of pics with it, wouldn't you?