12/31/14

14 things I learned in 2014!

Hazzzah! We're almost there guys. Can you believe 2014 is coming to an end already? I accomplished just about zero of my resolutions from this past year, and frankly I don't remember if I even made any...? But seriously, 2014 went by incredibly fast and I'm very much looking forward to a "brand new start"... because we all know you cannot start ANY type of resolution during the middle of a year!! That would be like starting a diet on a Wednesday, which is impossible.

So, it's 2:12 AM and I should be sleeping, but Robert insisted I send him edited versions of our Holiday card ASAP which included some serious teeth whitening, (red wine during the holidays is no bueno). I also may have given everyone a little eye lift.. cause really, who needs surgery? Now that that is complete, I thought I'd take a little time to catch you guys up on my oh-so-exciting year of 2014 (hint of sarcasm).

Here we go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
14 things I learned in 2014 (sorry for such a basic bitch title).

1. Don't be "Too Cool"
What a concept, huh? After 23 years of being alive, I finally am at peace with the person I am, and the weirdness I bring to this earth. (well, okay I'm like 89% at peace). But honestly, no one is watching you as much as you think, and chances are, you're cooler when you don't try. Except for when you're playing, "I'm a celebrity stop looking at me" and you duck from Hollywood tour busses so people acknowledge that you are a secret famous person....then you can be too cool.

2. My social security number
Pretty liberating to know it, and not have to ask my mom anymore...

3. Save your $$$
Call me Jewish, but we'll see who has the last laugh on a rainy day! Except it doesn't rain much at all in LA....like never....

4. Eat that grilled cheese from Astro Burger... just not five
Fairly self explanatory. IDK WHAAT was up with me and grilled cheeses this year.. partial love affair.

5. The people on the Food Network are assholes
"You could've cut the broccoli a bit smaller...so you lose this challenge". Fuck off.

6. I will ALWAYS prefer to stay in, with a close group of friends, then out in a club 
Because guys, let's be real... you're all on Snapchat/Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/Tinder anyway.

7. I still do not know how to cook chicken..
Soooo das a problem.

8. YouTube has taught me and will continue to teach me everything I know
I don't know why I wasted time in college. Want to learn how to save a life? Or how to get a six pack in 3 minutes? YA ME TOO BYE

9. When not forced out, I stay in a lot
Holly homebody over here enjoys a good Netflix binge and 2 for 1 gummy worms from 7-11.

10. When in doubt, text mom

11. Laying like a starfish, naked in bed, with self tanner on may seem like a good idea at the time...
But orange sheets are not a good look.

12. Stop bitching and start doing
Ya hear me? No one wants to hear about you missing the gym and ordering pizza...because chances are I did the same thing, so #nojudgement

13. Write things down
Goals, lists, daily reminders... like showering.

14. Don't put up with shitty people
Stop giving yourself stress wrinkles over people that don't matter...because let's be real, this is the prettiest you will ever be. YOLO

Now it's 3:06 AM and i'm getting a tad exhausted. Some article just popped up on my feed letting me know the FIFTY things men wan't women to stop doing immediately. Wow, enlighten me. I don't even think women would be able to put into words the 200+ things men should stop doing immediately... but if we could, it would start with, "Stop sending us shirtless photos of you working out, five minutes after we met, thanks".

Shoutout to Kate for that one.

Happy almost new year my lovely friends & family!! I hope you have a nice night in with tons of food and tv so you can pass the fuck out waaay before midnight... or a fun night out where you can act like you're having the best night evvvvvs and secretly scan the bar for potential midnight makeout suitors dropping hints around the whole place like farts. Cheers girl.

2014, it's been real!!





12/12/14

Tis the season to be wealthy.. fa la la la la, la la Whole Foods

Am I right?

Every Winter I get so excited by the upcoming festivities and the weather, that I completely forget I have caviar taste with cup of noodles budget. Actually, I've never had caviar, nor do I have any interest in it, so I have more of a "Whole Foods" taste, on a "Walmart" budget. Ugh, isn't that depressing.

To make matters worse, it always seems impossible to holiday shop for the people in my life! Don't even get me started on Susan and Robert (aka mom and dad). They may seem like your run of the mill, nagging yet adorable parents, but underneath the Old Navy fleece and the Banana Republic golf shirt, they are actually really.. just like... nice people (!!) who ask for nothing and would prefer you to make a donation to the charity of their choice!!!! LIKE, OMG could you BE any nicer?! Why couldn't you just ask for a damn tie or coffee maker like the rest of the world. No, I'm totally kidding, they're actually pretty incredible humans, but we all have those people in our lives don't we? The ones that ask for nothing, yet you still need to get them something otherwise you look like a shit person that forgot they gave birth to you.... you know?

I mean, one year I got my mom a really nice candle. She told me that she's never lit it, but she likes smelling it. WHO ARE YOU?

Similarly, my parents always seem to be completely stumped on what to get me for Christmas. They're like the SIMS people who haven't taken out their trash in weeks and have burned down the microwave and are just waving up at you like, "Beedy bobble boop what the fuck!?" Like guys, i'm not THAT confusing. I'm just a girl in her early twenty's living in Los Angeles who would totally be cool with ANYTHING... like a Mercedes....you know?!

My dad does, what I like to call the, "It's from Nordstrom, you can return it" routine. He shows up to Nordstrom on December 23rd, never a day sooner, and finds the "hippest" and "trendiest" girl to pick me out an entire outfit. I unwrap each item one by one only to find an outfit I may or may not have worn in the 9th grade. Like, you're so cute dad, but what are you doing? My mom on the other hand, buys me face wash, socks, thongs with puppies on them, and scotch tape. Gotta love them.

In fucking conclusion, I haven't purchased a damn thing for M&D and let's be real, my dad's #1 Holiday wish is for me to write this blog twice a week... does that work for you dad? My mom would also like for me to get married. This could actually be a mutually beneficial set of Christmas gifts....

Alright it's 2:19 and I'm about to have coffee with one of my girlfriends. And If you guys were wondering, Cory Matthews drinks vodka soda.




11/16/14

Do you wan't fries with that?

What's up my friends? Do I have any followers out there still? Cricket cricket...?? It's been hard to update when my day to day has been fairly unworthy of documentation, but I need to remember that some of you think i'm funny, and therefore will possibly care of my mundane life.

Let's see shall we, where to begin?! I am currently working at two restaurants, living that glamorous, "Do you want fries with that", life. Except it's more like, "Do you want fries, truffle fries, or sweet potato fries with that..."? There have also been multiple new celeb sighting moments which are always great and mildly creepy on my part, ( I tend to Google them while they are sitting right in front of me eating). Like, "Oh hey, Ryan Cabrarera! I didn't realize you were still living past 2005".... Am  I right?

LA people are funny though. Everyone out here is an, "actor", or as I like to call them, "poor". Now, I myself am a non working actor at the moment, clinging to CiCi's pizza auditions and Herbal Essences callbacks, but I really don't understand why some people find it riveting to sit around bars and discuss The Meisner Technique.  It's like hey, I get that you have a nice face and a nice body, but you're extremely boring, and not a working actor, so please, run along... as I would rather discuss anything else in the world. 

I have to say though, the opportunity out here is endless. There is so much ability to create your own work, film your own material, meet D list celebrities... it really is the place to be. Just last week my roommate and I went on a Hollywood Tour bus that took us around Beverly Hills just so we could look at Leonardo DiCaprio's driveway (totally worth it.. thanks Groupon). We even pulled up to a stop light right next to the hunky Taylor "Twilight" Lautner. Our tour guide thought it was best he yell, "Taylor! Taylor! Taylor!".. into the microphone. I couldn't help but get excited for that moment in my career when I turn away from harassing tour guides screaming into my matte black Mercedes SUV. 

Ok, well it's 3:42 in the afternoon and I need a fucking coffee before work. Peace, Babes xx


10/15/14

Nails, photos, and early stages of vocal chord nodules...oh my!

Hey Bitches.


My dad told me his favorite posts are the ones where I start out with "Hey Bitches".... so Robert, this one's for you.


Yesterday I bought my very own LA Dodger hat!!! I am officially a resident now. Can you believe it? Just 3 months ago I was sitting in frightened fetal position on my bedroom floor with only the cockroaches as my buddies, and now i'm thriving as a Southern California resident. Well, ok, having a couple friends, a job, and an LA Dodger hat may or may not be "thriving" to you, but it certainly is to me. Finally I can walk around the Grove wearing my new hat, with my Ray Ban aviators just hoping to not get recognized and no, I don't want to take any pictures with you because I just want to live a normal life.... you know?

What's on my agenda for today? Well, I'm heading to an ENT (ear nose and throat) doctor in a bit to have him check on my throat. You guys, I think I have nodes.....

Remember that scene from Pitch Perfect where Brittany Snow is like, OMG you guys....  I have nodes, and then Gretchen was all like, OMG Karen you can't just ask people why they're white..... I think i'm mixing my movies.. but you get the point.

So everyone lately has been all like, "wow you have a great raspy voice... you should do voiceovers", or "wow you have a great raspy voice, you should do sex phone operating". Yes yes, all this does sound super glamorous but it kinda hurts so I should probably get my throat looked at.

Flash forward to my doctor visit, the lady doc. shot some crazy drugs up my nose that smelled and tasted like rubbing alcohol and then she weaseled a lengthy camera up my nose and down my throat!!! Is this too graphic for you? Yea? Don't care. Then she proceeded to take some snapshots of my throbbing throat while having me make casual dolphin noises to see how my vocal chords were moving. And yes, your throat 100% looks like a vagina.

Allllright already, it's time to take a couple selfies and head to work. THIS girl got a new camera! I also got my nails done : ))) What a day! Nails, photos, and early stages of vocal chord nodules...oh my!

Question of the day, what are fun things I can do with coconut oil? (Beauty things not sexual things... because apparently that's a thing).

Ta for now!
xx





9/23/14

My crazy life

So picture this....

I'm at a trendy as eff coffee shop... seriously, there are quotes on the wall, skinny people everywhere, refrigerators with green juice as far as the eye can see.. and myself. Roomie and I decide we want to post up and do a bit of writing. So here we are in line, gawking at all the pretty people & I decide to purchase a trendy juice... but def not the trendiest of juices because it was pink-ish instead of green.. and we all know that the trendiest juices are ones that in fact taste like dog poop and grass. So, I lower my cool factor and go to purchase this pink-ish juice... and OH look! A bar of dark chocolate... So I think to myself, "hmm will that make me seem like I don't belong here if I buy a bar of chocolate at this trendy as eff coffee shop because that would indicate that I in some way shape or form eat sugar?" I must make a decision quickly as the SG (short for skinny girl) in front of me has now paid for her trendy late with trendy money so now I must make my un trendy purchase! I think, "FUCK IT! I'm buying the chocolate!" Proud of myself and my soon to be purchase of my pink ish juice and dark chocolate .... the attractive bearded man smiles at me and say, "Alright that'll be $19.50"

Welcome to LA.

Yes, as you would believe I was too awkward to put the chocolate back so I smiled at Mr. Bearded man and handed over my leg and arm for the trendy chocolate and trendy pink-ish juice. Never again.

Fast forward to this morning:

I fell asleep to one Netflix episode of New Girl and woke up on the last season. It's like... now I have to go retrace my steps from where I ended but half of me remembers this part but oh, maybe I was asleep for that part....wait I think I saw this..wait no this is a new episode. Ugh.


Alright now i'm off to work...OH, I also did laundry today...  yes, I am Livin la vida loca.

In summary.... check the price on chocolate.

9/4/14

I miss the 90's...

Hey. It's 1:05 on a Thursday. I sit before you in a red towel and teal Twistie Turbie. What's up alliteration. In the background is a Youtube video of Lena Dunham (love you) getting interviewed by Bill Simmons.. (mind you the interview is an hour long and she is literally the only person who could keep me captivated for an hour). Anyway, she starts talking about "Google Deep Dive" which is so amazing because it brings total validation to my slightly weird hobby. There is officially a name to my obsession with Googling random celebrities lives from Midnight to 2 am, learning about their past drug dependencies or their new romances or how they got into acting or how many movies they've been in... Thank you Lena. She also introduced me to the blog, Oldlove.tumblr.com , which literally is just pictures of celebrities who used to date that you never knew. MY LIFE.

So yesterday I had the day off which immediately means, lay on couch and watch Netflix until you pass out. Finally my roommate came home from work with the most magical words, "Wanna go get cheeseburgers?" This is why I love her. We proceeded to go to the, In-n-Out drive thru .. ended up having a complicated order... which led to the car line getting backed up... so we just told Mr. In-n-out to tell future customers that Megan Fox had a complicated order. He didn't find us funny.

Also, I just have to say that I miss the freaking 90's. I literally ordered a choker online...still waiting. But honestly, the 90's created some of the best films.... I can't even. Since Tuesday, I've watched: "Whatever It Takes", "She's All That", and "Never Been Kissed". Granted, I may have a weird obsession with teen rom com's but the 90's did it SO WELL. I always wanted to be the hot popular girl who was mildly crazy... or have the awesome makeover of a hair cut and slinky red dress and transform to a mega babe.... and Never Been Kissed is probably just one of my favorite movies of all time. Love that Jessica Alba and James Franco were in that but were extremely un-famous and were part of the ensemble cast.

Alright, I have work soon. Need to put actual clothes on.

Love you Lena Dunham<3

8/27/14

I got 99 problems.... but I only make minimum wage so those problems will have to chill.

Jeeeeeze Louise... Why is it that everything today costs soo much money. Especially being a girl... Literally I have a list of things I need to buy/do but my lack of income prohibits me oh so much. NEED: Manicure/Pedicure, New phone, Hair cut/color, rent money, a puppy, etc. Parents, if you're reading this.... which I know you are because lately I can't get off the phone without a , " So... when's the next blog coming...." YES IT'S COMING ROBERT HANG ON.... well if you're reading... help.

SO here are just a few fun things my roomie, Kate and I have come up with when you're poor and broke and feelin' real real cheap. (We're both half Jewish so that feeling is basically all the time).

First up, we have invented this new game and it's called, "OMG stop looking at me i'm famous this is really embarrassing". Specifically, we go to Pinkberry wearing hats and sunglasses and every time a celebrity tour bus goes by we hide and duck and mumble how embarrassing this is and just wish we could have a normal life.

The next game we play is, "How many actual celebrities can we spot in one day". This game has gotten quite fun actually because sometimes you don't even know you're playing it...until Joe Jonas walks into your restaurant and he asks you for a phone charger and you catch yourself breathing heavily in his face. I have also officially seen Mr. Aaron Samuels twice, (both times behind the wheel of his shiny black Range Rover). The entire cast of Modern Family was getting their hair and makeup done in the parking lot behind my home --- (the roomie and I stood there gawking over our balcony without pants on waiting to see if they'd see us......they didn't). I locked eyes with a Victoria's Secret model who was surprisingly short but still pretty... like the way pretty people don't even need to be pretty because they're already pretty pretty... you know?
OMG look at me over here just name dropping a bunch? Obviously these people are all my closest of friends so it's not really a big deal or anything...

Another fan favorite game we play is called, "Let's walk to Target and walk around and debate for 15 minutes over which soap tray I want to purchase". Because seriously folks... just incase you were wondering, you CANNOT purchase one under 10 dollars. Then we debate over cheap wine purchases, consider buying gushers (because who remembers gushers right?! They're on sale at Tarjay just FYI), wonder what drink at Starbucks we should get that doesn't make our stomach hurt, and turn down the 10 cent bag charge .... because we like to save a couple pennies!

Yes my friends, the life of a pre- famous actress is pretty awesome. I also think my apartment has termites.

Tootles!

8/8/14

An Actor's life for me....

Yo ho, yo ho...Fuck.

This place is overwhelming. One day I'm like, "YEAH BITCH LETS DO THIS LETS BE AN ACTOR"

Then the next day I'm all like, "What am I doing with my life #Passthechocolate"...

There is just so much that has to do with being an actor that has nothing to do with being an actor. I apparently need to have a business card that says "actor", to state the obvious... then I need to have a website that says "actor", then I need to introduce myself as an "actor" and meet tons of producers/directors/"actors" who will make me a famous "actor".

Easy enough... right? Then I look down at myself and remember that I've watched 3 seasons of pretty little liars and haven't moved for 6 hours.

But in all honesty, I have to give myself some credit... I've been keeping super busy with acting classes and all that jazz. Also, on Wednesday I made super sexual eye contact with Ed Westwick in a bathroom... so I'm pretty sure things are looking great for me out here. I've also managed to walk around Whole Foods and ONLY buy a few things at a time... #winning

On another note, my birthday is tomorrow, and I would just like to send a mass announcement that I will gladly accept any form of Edible Arrangements. But specifically the chocolate dipped fruit kind. If you were thinking of getting me a gift card to The Cheesecake Factory, no need... #ThanksMomandDad #Classy

K now get off my blog and start making my Instagram collage...




Peace & Maca Powder
xx

7/23/14

The Dating Game

I have been watching so much of "The Hills", it's actually kind of ridiculous. I WANT HEIDI TO MYSELF. Who remembers?? This show was literally so brilliant before it got too fake. Lauren was already melodramatic every day when she would walk into Teen Vogue with half a voice because she had been out partying the night before and would say something like, "I am a stronger person ...and I don't need to go back" or some bullshit, you know what I'm talking about!?

Ok, so the other night my roommate and I went to a 5$ comedy show at UCB, which was HILARIOUS. They had pretty famous comedians perform and I was literally, ROTFLMAO, except... not literally. I was however LMAO'ing so, you know, it was some good shit. Then, they had the audience participate in the, "dating game" where they pick three lucky bachelors out of the audience, to win the chance to date a not so lucky female audience member.... (ME!) Can you fucking believe it? I was chosen to be the girl who stands up on stage in front of 150+ people and basically find some love. Did my mom put you up to this??? Ok, maybe I raised my hand... but that is beside the point. It was actually pretty fun once I got over the whole, "this is sooooo awkward" thing.

Each bachelor was ..... for lack of a better word...... an idiot.

Except, one was hot and the host kept calling him TATUM ----- like Channing ---- remember from that movie----- where he takes his shirt off----the stripper--- --- yeah you get it.

There was also quite the little nerdy bachelor who was a musical theater major at Syracuse, who just so happened to say his fave musical was Seussical the Musical...

WHICH I WAS IN !

Done.
Case closed.
You win.

The 3rd bachelor was a weed dealer with cooler hair than me... so that wouldn't have gone too far.

Guess I should delete my Tinder profile..
Dating in LA is awesome... said no one ever.

Wish me luck!
xox

7/18/14

Big men, Little Dogs... and my 2 cents on the Bach.

What is it with large tatoo'd men and little furry dogs? I don't hate it.. i'm just asking..

I have finally discovered Runyon Canyon, which is essentially nature in the middle of the hustle & the bustle that is Los Angeles. It's literally the trendy place to go workout (aka walk your little dog -- if you're a buff handsome shirtless man.... or walk your little dog if you're a skinny pop-tart wearing a tube top while on your phone). I fit into the, "not walking a dog, pale girl sweating, no makeup, frizzy fro" category...so you know.. that's cool.

OK so i've offishh had my first celebrity sighting. As I turned left onto Melrose, there was Aaron Samuels, (aka Jonathan Bennett... but yeah, like any of you even knew that...) sitting at a stoplight, windows down in his black Range Rover (duh). Mom saw my Facebook status and immediately had to dream kill...

I mean, come on!

So has anyone been watching the bachelor? Me neither....
Mainly because I have no cable... thank God for Youtube.

You know what makes me feel so uncomfortable about hometown dates... is when you meet the families, and they look exactly like their female siblings and the whole time i'm just like...you're a weird female version of Nick. I mean... I could NOT fantasy suite up with him after meeting the fams! But let's be real... I could never fantasy suite it up with Nick ever... like ever.

When Chris's mom tells Andi that she's got, "gumption", did anyone else wonder what the fuck gumption is? But who really cares...cause Chris is beautiful... and will one day be my husband.

I could be a farmer...? Well, according to the latest email from my aunt I could be...



My family has high hopes for me...


Well i'm officially at job interview number 1,000 and i'm dreading the moment of my next one because that means putting a bra back on...

Ta Ta for now!

7/14/14

Sleeping really really naked.

It's hot.

You know when you're semi delusional and you keep repeating, "I'm haaat" without even realize that you've said it out loud nine times. I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and stumbled about until I finally just took my clothes off and curled up with my TJ max faux- fur blanket. Talk about a visual.

You're welcome.

What's new with me you ask? Well let's see here. I joined a gym! Heyy--oooh! Now, if you're thinking, "wow, I bet people in LA gyms are really good looking...I'd feel uncomfortable in front of everyone", you are sooo....accurate. Everyone, like I mentioned previously, is pretty babe-tastic. Hard to tell if they're gay or not though in this part of town. You'd think that the straight ones would most likely approach you or give you that ,"Hey.. i'm hot.. you're hot lets talk over by the free weights rack" look... but frankly, even the straight ones know they are too hot to even give you that "look". Everyone in LA is in, "the indsutry" in some way or another...so another winning moment was getting a discount for being an "actor". Crunch Fitness doesn't need to know that my shining moment was, "Moving Chair" in Beauty and the Beast....k?

Ok, so on the... "Everyone in LA drives a nice car" note... I would just like to point out that at not one, not two, but THREE intersections in which I was stopped, THREE different people were picking their noses in THREE "nice-ass" cars. Yo windows aint that tinted...

I recently pulled an L 7 weenie move and saw, "Fault In Our Stars" alone. When purchasing my ticket, the cashier asked, "Just one....?"

....yes....whore.

Great film!

On the upside, I was asked by a large Brazilian man, while I was leaving the theater, If I, "knew of any good juicing places around here" because I seem like I would know..he says. Then he creepily lingered around me until I said....ok I have a meeting to get to none for Gretchen Wieners bye. LA pick up lines 101.

Ok but in honestly, really really really good news, I am happy to announce via blog that I have been signed to an agency for commercial & theatrical  : ) I know that is neither funny, nor "ha, Madeleine, you're lame" but I'm excited, and happy and optimistic that this move to LaLa land is all good! Even though the American Girl Doll Cafe doesn't want to hire me...

it's cool.

Peace, Love, & Pinkberry, xo

Madeleine


7/7/14

I'm in LA biatches...

Greetings my lovers. I've been on a small Hi- ate-us? Hi 8 us? Hiatus!... Thanks Google. Have you missed me? I know my dad has..

I am officially living in LA, which is effing weird. I'm not used to the fact that everyone is good looking (or thinks they are) and drives a nice-ass car. Yeah, not just a nice car, but a "nice-ass" car.. there's a difference. I have been in my apartment for approx 3 days and i'm not feeling quite settled yet. This could be because I kill about one cockroach a day...or because my toilet flushes every 3 minutes... or because my parking spot is harder to get into than the White House. Whatever... I'm optimistic. The job hunt begins today and will carry on throughout the week.

Lately my life includes, "Hi, how are you doing today? By any chance, are you guys hiring? Oh... oh ok... oh I need a picture? Oh ok... Oh come back on Wednesday? Oh ok... grow 3 inches....oh ok? Lose 10 pounds? Oh ok....."

Ok so the latter might not have been said exactly but I can read between the lines, k Whitney? Or Chandra? Or whatever your name was.

On another note, my apartment doesn't have internet so I have sat myself at a seemingly normal coffee shop... except this chick just walked in with cat ears on and 7 inch platforms... but I pass no judgement.

So my apartment is fucking hot btw, like I sweat every fucking second, and fall asleep every fucking night to the only movie that is on my iTunes, (He's Just Not That Into You).... I can re enact every scene if you want? No? Ok..

I am also scared of my shower.

Just overheard that "cat ears" is shooting a music video later and that she is on her lunch break.... I revoke judgement on you cat ears... actually I think they're mouse ears?

The highlight of my week thus far is getting a manicure/pedicure down the street from my apartment and receiving a free boba smoothie during the neck massage .... winning!

If you don't hear from me soon..... send for help....

Also, send food. But it has to be kale....or vegan.... or air.

4/13/14

Hungry? Listen up!


+ Good morning my lovely readers. Well, actually it's 1pm... so good afternoon! (Unless you're balls to the walls hungover and you just woke up...then it is morning for ya). 

+ I've been sorta getting into this whole, "cooking" thing lately! And when I say cooking, I mean microwaving, blending, and pre-heating things. But don't ask me to make you chicken, I fucking suck. 

+ I discovered this lil' recipe a while back and thought i'd offer a different breakfast option for those of you who maybe, *GASP* don't like oatmeal. Acai bowls are SUPES trendy lately, and i'm pretty sure the second you eat one, you become a Kardashian. 

+ Here's what you're gonna need: 


+ These Acai packets can be found at any overpriced food store. So i'm talking, Whole Foods, New Fronteirs, yada yada. The pack of 4 costs around 8 bucks, depending where you go... which actually isn't too bad, (like 2 bucks a bowl!) 

+ Next you're gonna want to throw in you're favorite frozen fruit. I chose pineapple because they add a really nice taste (and they were all that I had in my freezer....."sweatpants are all that fits me right now"). Sorry I have "Mean Girls" turrets. 

+ If you wanna get really cute and adorable, (maybe post an Instagram pic or five), light a candle while you're making your Acai Bowl. LO FI BABY!



+ Next up, Blend that SHIT!

+ Not featured: A frozen banana that I added for flavor. But it was ugly and didn't photograph well....

+ Add either water, milk, or my personal fave, Almond Milk, so the blender can mix up all the yum ingredients smoothly.


+ Your Acai bowl is just NOT complete without some bomb.com toppings

+ For this creation I threw on some raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, and honey!


+ and voila! Look how sexy that little number is.

How excited are you to light up a candle, and blend up some goodness?! Keep me posted on your breakfast creations :)

4/8/14

What the shit

I legitimately had 2 birth control and a coffee for lunch. Don't judge me.

It's for my skin...That is my definition of Monday. This is also my definition of monday:


What is up you all?? what is the 411, what has EVERYBODY been talking about? I had 2 cupcakes and a pudding for dinner last night so I'm slightly hyper but also have a minor headache. Ok so since I really have nothing exciting to report, i'm thinking about what I could do this week that sounds exciting. Have any of you ever done a cleanse? Like actually, 100% did a cleanse that they liked and/or suggest? I've been looking for something like that to motivate me and jumpstart my week! I realize that i'm talking to crickets unless someone actually decides to write back. Heeey guys....

Do you guys have couch covers? Those things are fucking hard to deal with...they don't stay put. My roommate says it's because I lay on our couch. Go figure. Anyhoo- it's fucking MONDAY. The most "blah" day of the week... and I need some Moti- fucking- vation. How do you guys survive mondays? again... crickets.


Can you tell I have slight ADD.

k...
bye.

3/30/14

Hey Ya'lllll it's been a while...

So I'll start out by saying that you should never drive and lick the remains of melted chocolate out of a Luna bar...because chances are it will impair your driving. Just saying. I was just in such a rush because well, everyone....I got another j-o-b! Step aside Target aisles, I am doing something else with my time! Well, part-time. It's at a gym.. now I can visualize my best bod with real life inspiration...and stare at men all day. Not weird.

Aside from that, my acting class has become my favorite thing about my week. I really feel like I am growing as an actor and can't wait to take on LA. I called my dad the other night and told him about what my teacher thought I should start looking into. I told him that the teacher thought I should start looking for darker, more mysterious, even, "bitchy", characters. The next morning I wake up to this email from pops.


Don't you guys all get emails like this?
He then sent a follow up email explaining that I am funny..

... and that he doesn't want my image to be the only thing getting me into roles. And it's like..."I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me.... but I can't help it that i'm popular". (Or look like a vampire). Don't worry dad, I'm sure my really weird, awkward, sense of humor will get me cast in a funny role, or a Disney show, sooner or later.

Sooo ya'll... be on the lookout for lil' ol' me..taking on Los Angeles in July. If you have friends, family, possible job openings or sugar daddies in that area, let me know! No... i'm totally kidding...... (I don't need to know your family). Wish me luck & lots of leg breakings.

3/20/14

"No money, no family, 16 in the middle of Miami"

You know when a random human says hello to you, and you seem surprised, but happily say hello back... and then they look at you extremely confused because they are on the phone and definitely weren't talking to you. Cause....that's cool. You weren't hot anyway.

The moral of the story is that I went to the gym today.

Has anyone watched Rich Kids of Beverly Hills? No? Just me? Well, it's actually fucking hilarious. I know the name of the show makes it sound stupid and totally a waste of time, and I mean, it definitely is.. BUT i have a new girl crush and her name is, Morgan Stewart. She has a blog called, "Boobs & Loubs". Not Loobs like sex loobs, but LOUBS like Louboutins. I actually had to Google how to spell, "Louboutin", and it still looks like it's spelled wrong, and Louboutins are shoes (if you're a male reading....aka only my dad).

Everyone needs to watch this show, unless you are too stuck up or stuffy or think your IQ may drop. My favorite scene was Morgan describing her day. She said that she wakes up, eats cottage cheese with 6 nectarines, drinks 2 waters, doesn't leave her house until she sh@#s, and if she doesn't sh@#, she does not leave. Then she goes to spin around noon, drives around aimlessly, and pops in and out of stores...

OMG I LOVE HER

I actually recently just got a second job for myself, because I really couldn't justify my other "second job" anymore, (going to Target 3 times a day). Is it just me or is Target like really fucking calming? I need a life...


3/18/14

My weekend home & my general feelings about almonds.

Literally, fuck almonds. I'm fairly certain that I am allergic, and yet they sneak into these foods that I eat, and my cheeks get all red and I CLAW at them. Like, chocolate almond butter...who would have thought. Jk, I know, I'm an idiot. I guess that's mostly my bad, but that damn stuff was so good...I almost felt bad throwing it away, well mainly because it was eleven dollars. Remind me why I spent eleven dollars on almond butter again. I am currently in bed, attempting to soothe my heartburn (another fun side effect of eleven dollar almond chocolate crack butter), watching Disney channel. I'm so confused by these shows though. The actors are like, five years old! Remember when you'd turn on Disney channel and Brenda Song was in like every movie...remember, "The Ultimate Christmas Present"?! ...with the weather machine. Or remember when Lindsay Lohan was on Disney?! "Get a Clue"... actually Brenda song was in that shit too... she was obviously the token Disney Asian best friend. She's probably so rich now.

So I had a lovely weekend back in the Bay Area visiting mom, dad, friends, the old stomping grounds, etc. My Persian bestie and I went out in San Fran Friday night...which literally turned into getting wasted and taking "Lyft" everywhere, which ended up being the most fun part of the night... (thank you Geoff for the miniature leprechaun hats and the granola bars...there are still two in my purse). The next morning I grabbed brunch with the girls followed up with mani/ pedi's. (I will just say that I am not usually someone who gets mani/pedi's because I can't sit still for that long without use of my hands, u know??). Funny enough, I was totally down to get one, and yet, when it came down to it, I literally was too tired to SIT through getting my nails done. What is it about brunch that makes me so mo-fucking exhausted?

Thank God for my mom who had my room and bed all made up when I got home. She's so sweet. She even provided me great reading material if I had trouble sleeping:


"Lack of Career Focus" was my personal fave.

3/11/14

When your mom likes Juan Pablo... and you don't...

I sat through the entire Bachelor finale feeling the same way that I feel when I see people from Tinder out in public......really fucking AWKWARD. Omg, I literally don't understand what just happened. JP is "really happy he didn't pick Clare" because HE was the huge douche?? I don't think he realized that Clare was in his TOP TWO!!! I honestly think he blacked out somewhere through the season, I know I did. I just felt like a cheap hooker and he tossed me (Clare) to the wayside! Don't worry Clare, at least he loved F***ING you! Like, what was that?! I feel like I'm watching another season of Flavor of Love or some shit. Our TV decided to stop recording RIGHT as Nikki was told that she is liked, "a lot a lot a lot" and I didn't get to see Nikki's monumental reaction. I would assume there was some lip quivering and perspiring. Can someone please fill me in on what happened there?? I also missed the first ten minutes of the after show. I am almost embarrassed that I care so much...

On another note, I am literally speechless about how JP kept dissing Chris Harrison!! Like you just don't DO that to Chris Harrison!! Now you're NOT allowed to wear gold hoop earrings, JP! That's just like, the rules of feminism! JP really needed his time to explain to viewers that he is honest and that it is what it is and that he signed up for the bachelor to be private and he is honest and just wants to live an honest private life and ride off into the sunset with Nikki for like a month or a week, and eat a hamburger with her and just be real.

The only real exciting realization I had while watching the show, was that Sean Lowe is hunky and him and Catherine are really fuckin' cute. 

But don't worry JP, we're totally rooting for you........
.. at least my mom is.


OH, and good news... I'm funny.


Besitos.

3/10/14

Get Hot & Skinny in 7 days!!!

No, I'm totally kidding. But I will show you how to make a bad-ass bowl of oatmeal. I thought i'd intermix my posts about my weird life, with some mini recipes & other casual things that other bloggers do. Why stand out when you can fit in...? JK, but I'm new to the blogging world, and someone wise once told me, "Do what you know", and I guess, I know oatmeal... is that weird?

I'm not kidding when I say that i've eaten oatmeal every morning for the past four months. Ok maybe i've had a couple donuts here and there, but for the majority, oatmeal is my bitch.

My dad used to tell me that oatmeal is one of the only things that contains "soluble fiber". I use air quotes because you have no idea how many times my dad drilled in my brain the phrase, "soluble fiber". It was like one of those things where I didn't know what it really meant or was, but I just knew that oatmeal contained fucking, "soluble fiber". So today, I googled...

Soluble fiber is what keeps you feeling fuller longer! Other benefits include:
a) Weight control
b) Helps to stabilize blood sugar levels
c) Helps to lower LDL (bad) cholesterol


Walnuts, Peanut Butter, Cinnamon, Stevia, Strawberries, and Oatmeal: Trader Joe's
Pomegranate Seeds: Target






Sometimes I like to get weird with my oatmeal and throw a TON of shiz on it. Peanut butter is great for taste and adds about 8 grams of protein per serving! Cinnamon boosts metabolism, and pomegranate seeds just taste AMAZING. If i'm cutting down on sugar, I'll use Stevia instead of brown sugar, it adds some sweetness without the cals!

Dee ba da dee ba da deee that's all folks!
<3

3/7/14

Photo shoot, Champagne, and Girl Time... (Pillow fight sold separately)

Let's be real...no one's gonna read my chatter when there are pictures involved, so I'll make it short. A couple of my fave ladies and I got together yesterday to shoot some head shots, which turned into tipsy, fun, bad-ass pictures. ENJOY! (Pics of Gabby not included..yet!)









And a couple behind the scenes





hey, you come here often?



I'm also really into this song right now....(It def pumped us up for our photo shoot  dance party), AND the video is Clueless themed! 


3/5/14

Being Lazy, The Oscars, and other shiz.

You know those people who say, "I really hate lazy people..."? Well, i've come to realize.... I'm so fucking lazy. Now, it's not like i'm revealing anything profound...definitely not to my parents. But seriously, it's becoming a problem in my life. Only took me 22 years to admit this.

Exhibit A: My sheets ripped last week... like literally out of nowhere, ripped in half... and each night ripped more, to where I'd wake up in the morning with one foot lost in that fucking sheet cave. Finally I took the sheets off and threw them out...(well not until wrapping them around my neck and pretending they were an infinity scarf...). So now I have been sheet- less for 3 days and have made zero mental attempt to put new sheets back on.

Exhibit B: I still haven't done my laundry.

Did anyone watch the Oscars the other night? I DID! Well, I fast forwarded every speech and presenter and most things, BUT, Ellen was outstanding. I loved watching which stars refused the pizza, Leo Dicaprio was like eh, no.. I'm too good for pizza. Brad, such a doll passing out the plates, and J - Law was basically done with her piece before cameras had a chance to pan to her. Who was that pizza delivery guy? I feel like I've seen him before...maybe a Dominos commercial? IDunno...All I know is that I literally LOL'd when Ellen selfied onstage and hashtagged, "blessed". On another really important note, who the shit let Danny Zucko introduce Idina Menzel!? Summer lovin' must have had you a blast because I'm pretty sure you referred to her as, "Boomshika Glowzel"... or something equally unrecognizable. Did he get a face lift?

So ok, back to being lazy.. I DID go to the gym on Monday morning! That's always a feeling of accomplishment, you know? Literally walked in the cardio area and it smelled like the bamboo reeds I used for my clarinet in 6th grade. Does anyone know what I'm talking about??? No? Ok yeah me neither. But, I was fucking proud of myself. I also went to bed early last night which was another big accomplishment, because if you know me, you know I'll stay up until 3am watching YouTube videos. Actually, I did fall asleep to a documentary on YouTube about a beauty pageant in Venezuela. I....don't....know...why.

In other news, I may or may not have pulled up the match.com website... just to, you know, like...get my mom off my back. I also may have been tipsy and found myself exploring.


A) I don't live in Santa Monica
B) Don't drink & wink



HAPPY HUMP DA-EEEE


3/2/14

Drink wine, Sing Naked?




Enjoy part of a song I did with my friend and fellow musician, Phil Salucci. Comment & share! Your support means the world : )


Happy Monday!

Warning: I say, "Bitch" a lot today...

I'm getting another zit. I think that's God's way of telling me to stop eating chocolate...or at least not eat 3 chocolate eggs in a row.. not like I just did that. Actually I was just being a smart shopper because it was 4 for $3... so there is still another egg staring at me from across the room. We have it so hard as women. We worry about things like, "How can I pull off wearing jeans that make me look like an elephant, and still look hot"? Like, literally all I wan't in life sometimes is to be able to pull off "comf. cute", you know?! Side note, my roommate is in a bad mood because she's, "never been so frustrated with a puzzle". I hope I'm this fun when i'm 29.

So today the girls and I went to The Wine Shed to get our casual afternoon buzz on (really it was for a birthday but I like sounding like we're so rich and bored we have nothing to do but get drunk in the afternoon), and theres this group of like 7 women screaming and hollering for a bachelorette party. So ok, long story short, this one chick (who has bangs) just saying... walked over and was all like, "OMG we're doing this scavenger hunt bitchessss and you need to fucking help us". After her standing there for like 5 minutes talking about herself, and being a huge bitch, decides she's thirsty and takes a fucking sip of my wine. Like she reached over... and took a fat sip of my wine... I literally felt like I was in "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion" and Christy Masters takes my fucking hamburger...like what was that? Whatever, I got over it, because...well...she has bangs.

On another note, Dad is scared of me now:



[ lol ]

Well, it's raining, and I got called off work. I should probably shower and do laundry. You know you need to do laundry when your roommate asks when the last time you did laundry was... Don't judge me.

2/26/14

My Wednesday in a nutshell.

So my day was fairly simple. I woke up, ate my routine oatmeal with coffee, went to therapy... and when I say therapy, I mean spin followed by Target, and saw a movie with one of my fave gf's. It was that one with the hot guy from Magic Mike and a thin blonde chick, (per usual). The breakdown:
Girl likes boy, girl sleeps with boy, girl is in love with boy after one day, (what are they trying to say about us), boy loves girl back (although in real life we all know boy does not love girl back and boy runs from stage 5 clinger), other people try and stand in the way of said love, (dad and ex girlfriend with lip injections). Really, this is nothing surprising. Aside from that, my day was so lackluster that I formed a to-do list just to feel productive.

Note to self, never buy fat free cheese again.

In other news, mom's trying to get me on Match.com now. Starting to feel like this is no longer a joke. OMG speaking of love, did anyone watch the BACH last night?! All I have to say is, way to go Andi! Juan Pabs is way too self absorbed, I totes agree. Love how she called him out and was all, "WTF, JP, you don't know about my religion, political views, favorite color, why my ombre looks like shit!?" And JP's all like, "eeeeh, no I don't Andi...but I like Andi.....I have a daughter, ess ok". MEN! They are so ruh-tarded. But at least Juan Pabs knows something, "you can't force love", but you can force them to go to the fantasy suite and have sex with you. Is he disinfected after overnight dates? 

2/22/14

Mom n' Dad!

We all have them, love/hate them, and are going to be them.. (unless you're Kylie Garvin and shudder at the thought of children and plan on adopting an 18 year old African boy to send him off to college immediately). I'm obvi talking about parentals. I was fortunate enough to grow up with two of the weirdest, coolest, cat loving parents, who are truly my biggest supporters. I was born with a rare condition called, "only-child syndrome", which has affected me most of my life. Every day is a constant struggle to fight off the stereotype of an only child. Most people think we're spoiled, or gorgeous, or bratty, or gorgeous... and you know, I can only fight off so much.

I always know that parents will be there on the other end of the phone if I need them... actually I don't know that because my dad has permanently turned off his cell phone because he thinks it's giving him brain tumors (he will literally put up his hand to block the cell phone rays coming out of my iPhone when in close proximity). If you know my dad, you understand how normal this is. My mom at least is always there to offer encouraging words of advice, usually intermixed between, "You like any guys yet?" & "There is always J-date"(Jewish dating site.. suggested by my Catholic mother). I love/hate going home to visit them.. but you know you're at the Horwitz's when you've only been home for 30 minutes and already smell like tuna. (The staple in M n' D's household). My dad is the best though... when I told him my idea about starting my blog, he thought of a fab idea:



That's just what I need, Rob wearing "Drink wine, sleep naked" across his chest, on the way to Peet's coffee at 8 am. "To Catch a Predator" called, they wan't to know if you want some lemonade. But really though, he's adorable.

Anyhoo, it's Saturday morning baby and I'm alive! Get off your couch and go to the beach... or take a selfie, whatever makes you feel good. Happy Weekend!

2/18/14

Hot Thought. The Bachelor

Ok, so not like I'm watching the Bachelor or anything, but does Juan Pablo have the capacity to respond with anything other than, "I like thahh"?? Also, Sharleen, you are really uncomfortable to watch on television. Oh, and LOL that Chelsea, or is it Chelsie? Chalupa? Idk...said that she see's Sharleen with more of an intellectual type. What are you trying to say about JP, Chimichanga?! Cause we were over here wondering when he'd apply to be a rocket scientist. At least we know that Sharleen wishes, "she could be a little dumber so [she] could just be like durrrrr". I'm sure your parents are very proud. Make it stoppppp! But also, don't make it stop. Is Chris Harrison still single?


2/17/14

Vegas, Booze, McDonalds...Moral Hangover Monday

It's 12:25 in the afteroon. I just woke up and I'm sitting with a face mask on because my skin is breaking out like I am a ninth grader. I also may or may not be eating oatmeal and Dominos for lunch simultaneously. That is essentially the aftermath of Vegas I suppose. After eating utter crap-ola the past three days and shaking hands with sketch ball, European hair-cut, 5' 5", bottle service men, I am breaking out, bloated, and yes, feel free to bring over a tiny violin. As negative as I sound, Vegas was a total success. In the words of Rihanna, we found love in a hopeless place, and by that I mean with each other...in the food court...at McDonalds, (no we don't want the apple pie but thanks for offering). Sooo back to real life, must hop back into a workout routine --- feeling large and in charge. Forgot to mention the zipper on my new romper broke after 9+ failed attempts at zipping it up...and just when I think I've tasted success with a full zip, a last minute hair flip really pissed it off and said FUCK YOU Madeleine! RIP, literally. Whatevs, as my roommate has taught me, Ben & Jerry's will always be there for me....it's quite a dirty cycle. Oh, and the cherry on top of my (pun-intended) cake, was being recognized and reminded that I re-wore the same teal yoga pants on my flight home from Vegas (that I did on the flight to Vegas) by the elder man standing behind us in line to board, (which I kindly informed him that I was wearing a different top and bra so not all hope was lost for myself). He continued to ask why none of us had a valentine. IDK sir, probably because I drooled half of my spray tan off onto the MGM comforter....but I digress. Time to start my day, (at the crack of 1 pm). Do something nice for a friend today! At the very least, tell them they're pretty... Ciao!


+ To quite literally, "get the party started", we found a panda head and took like...a lot of pics with it, wouldn't you?